Am I right? Am I wrong? Blech. Who the hell knows?
I really need to stop doubting my decisions. Trust me when I say that I annoy myself. This is definitely something I need to overcome. Am I alone in this? Do other people doubt themselves as much as I do? My brain and my way of thinking have been this way my entire life. I realize that I am a lunatic for throwing the creation of two little humans into the mix. What was I thinking?!
After the last six months we have had, along with everyone else in the world, I really need things to turn around. I want to be the type of person that sees the joys in life, and doesn’t just focus on all the negative. I have my guard up and I know this. I am almost afraid of being happy sometimes, because I don’t want it to come back and bite me in the ass. I’m often envious of people that are able to see the bright side of everything. I might secretly think that it is unrealistic, but I am still envious of how liberating that must be. Once I let my guard down and start thinking positively, I feel like that is when sh*t hits the fan. The universe is mocking me for being cocky, and it turns on me. I am afraid to give in and be happy again. Sick, isn’t it?
Until last week. The world seemed very bleak and I was absolutely discouraged. I felt as though nobody cared about my ‘baby’. I am always afraid that with the exception of her family, she is alone in this world. Well, I was proven wrong. I received so many messages of support, offering great advice and tips on how to deal with her new life in public school. Granted, we are still experiencing the same issues and are far from receiving the support she needs, but I am seeing small changes. I can only hope that we are heading in the right direction.
This has to be some sort of a sign. I am putting this in writing right here, and right now. Anyone reading this is my witness. I am going to try to change things. This is possibly very naive, but I have to start somewhere. It has only taken me 43 years, but I am aware that my anxiety, doubts and negativity are doing more harm than good at this point. This should have been common sense, yet here we are. I have a lot riding on this transformation (yikes… that sounds dramatic), but my poor tiny little brain needs a bit of a break. I have all the “positive” people out there to thank for making me realize it!
I am a stay-at-home mom in my 40s, still finding it hard to believe that this is my title in life. Mom of two young girls and married to a pilot (in other words… part time single parent). I am ‘Auntie Boom’ to Willowjak, and have the tattoo to prove it! My youngest was diagnosed with autism at 2, and finally a rare genetic disorder called DDX3X at 5. I’m almost always tired, and I feel as though my goal in life is to survive. I’m sure that I am not alone on this quest.
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