October 16, 2020

Letting Love Find Me

I'm WillowjakMama!

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. Now it's my favourite place to be.

hey there

I’m THAT kind of person… That woman, that woman that has to come to you instead of you coming to me. JUST THE THOUGHT of a man approaching me makes me CRINGE & I’m that person that sees things as black and white. 
I’m also that person who doesn’t easily connect with people; I’m very hard to get close to, I appear very reserved and guarded until I am the one who lets you in slowly but surely. Some people have compared me to an old school Russian person. And honestly that’s fine by me. 

I’m that person who has learned to choose QUALITY OVER QUANTITY. I’m someone who loves to go to the beat of my own drum, and I’m someone who is brutally honest as well as fiercely loyal. 

When it comes to me being interested in someone, it takes a lot of courage. It literally takes time for me to get to know someone. I’m someone who can’t be pushed or forced into something. I don’t take well to sudden changes or being thrown in to a situation where I don’t know what’s going on. 

I’m someone who also wears my heart on my sleeve when it comes to love or when I really like someone. I never knew how to handle it honestly. I did things that I didn’t realize weren’t socially okay, like how I never understood that calling someone multiple times, or understanding that I don’t have to constantly need them at my disposal. It wasn’t because of desperation (as I learned in the neurotypical world that that is how it comes off). It was because I didn’t know how to react to these new feelings when it comes to liking someone.

I would meet someone, and I would never think much of it. The feelings wouldn’t sink in until later on or too late in the game. It just naturally happens.

When I have told someone I’ve liked them in the past, they either don’t like me in that way or don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. A friend of mine told me that if someone says they don’t want a relationship with anyone it means THEY DON’T WANT ONE WITH YOU SPECIFICALLY because they end up finding someone else but they are too cowardly to come right out and say it to you, to spare your feelings. These people KNEW MY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Looking back at this now, when I liked men I always tried to mask as well as be someone that I wasn’t. I was just a major ‘try hard’ as neurotypicals put it. The past men I liked, using their first name initials: A, G, M, N, B, & ST – well with them I dodged a bullet as ST was a cheater and when I told him how I felt he came out about his relationship meanwhile he led me on and kept flirting with me. I dodged a major bullet when a Social Media discovery came out of him being a MARRIED MAN. B & N were both users and not motivated to go places or go anywhere in life plus B had constant debt and bad credit. A & G had been dropouts; one had a kid and both smelled bad and were smokers. M well he was very flaky and he was more of a seasonal kind of person and not a constant. In highschool, he said he would date me but then he liked someone else and said that if it didn’t work out with her then he would date me. At the time, I didn’t know what to take of this but now I know I dodged a bullet of being the option and second choice. I always masked how I was around them and tried too hard to impress them. 

The only times I was ever myself when I really liked someone was with two people (instead of using their names, we will call them SL, M & E) & I felt so free to be myself. However, both of them taught me a valuable lesson. Both to this day are friends of mine, but they were both meant to come into my life for some sort of reason and purpose. 

SL was the hardest hit I took because my feelings were very genuine and the first time we met in real life everything felt so real and in ways I never felt in my first relationship. SL and I met on a dating app and connected, I was skeptical at first but when we lost contact we reconnected again and he was impressed with my Russian. We finally decided after months of phone and video chat that we would meet in person. IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. Physical attraction was very strong, even though I let my guard down and was able to let someone in and be vulnerable I was too afraid to tell him my real feelings because of past hurt. Even though he mentioned he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, I made the mistake of not listening and hoping he would come around. 

M and I met through the same language learning app that I met E on. We taught each other our language and I reached out to M. We both went from speaking on the app to Skype, the video chat was amazing and we really connected with each other on our similar interests, and I thought he was attractive with his tattoos and his scar on his face. Skype then led to Telegram chats, we spoke about more things and everyday we would chat even if it was few words some days. I thought of M more of a friend at first, but the feelings in me kept getting deeper. With M, I was scared to tell him how I felt because what would he think me being in Canada and him being in Russia? I learned that it was possible and it could work but only if the other person wants it too. M one day told me how he felt about me, and then I told him я тоже люблю тебя (I love you too in Russian) which now I don’t know if he was drunk. The next day I looked up a Canadian visa process and I told him. I also told him about a race I wanted to do with him as we both were passionate for running. He said he wanted to as well but circumstances are not in our favor. He called me up and we spoke but the phone cut off. To this day he vanished, it was hard and confusing to me and this one hurt. I thought he really liked me. 

E was hard because I was skeptical of our age difference as we were 8 years apart and I let that come in between us. That – as well as him being in school – I was afraid of being that distraction because I really want him to succeed in life. E and I met on a language app where he was learning English and I was and to this day studying Russian. We connected on a deep level and he always made me feel good about myself. Video chats would be a lot longer than I thought and I would always get butterflies in my stomach. By the time I made sense of my feelings I got hit with learning that he didn’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I understood but it stung. 

I learned:

  • to take a step back and face the pain that I thought I fully healed from. I learned to work on myself, to go in with no expectations and just to be myself. I learned that I need to work on myself first and fully heal from my first love.
  • that the right person will want you to grow and you will want that person to grow. You will both want the same things, and with the right person you will share similar values and bring out the best in each other.
  • not to keep waiting for so long before it’s too late and not to be afraid to take a chance. The right person will stand by your side through thick and thin, and the right person will care about how you are doing and will want you to stay focused. 
  • rejection has taught me that I need to not chase love, but to let love find me when my time comes.
  • that I have a long way to go before I’m even ready and that’s perfectly okay.

Rejection from my first Canadian men also taught me that sometimes not getting the people you want (like my first rejects) are a blessing in disguise and God’s way of saving you. The second set of rejects taught me about self love, self worth, and growth.

For now, I’m going to march to the beat of my own drum and see what happens. Continue to work on myself, my fitness journey and my interests as well as continuing my Russian studying. 

Lisa K.

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Hi, I'm Stacey.
Welcome to the
Willowjak Blog 

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. We chat about themes that are often ignored and voices that aren't often given a chance at the mic. Now it's my favourite place to be. 

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