December 4, 2020

The Light of my Life

I'm WillowjakMama!

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. Now it's my favourite place to be.

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When I was a little girl, my Mom would always sing to me. A lot of hymns, nursery rhymes, songs from artists who were part of my Dad’s vast 8-track and record collections, and some songs she just made up on the fly. Two of my favourites were ‘Mandy’ (Barry Manilow version here), and ‘Amanda’ (Don Williams version here). At the time, I didn’t understand all of the lyrics, and I’m pretty sure my mom wasn’t even singing the right ones. But based on the chorus of both of these songs, I believed that I was the light of my mother’s life, and that when I cuddled up to her at night and gave her a goodnight kiss, I was stopping her from shaking. I don’t think there is anything my Mom loves more than being a Mom. She loves children even more than I do (and if you know me you know my love is in no small amount) and I’m sure if my father was willing, she would have had at least 5 more. 

She is known by many names – Mom, Audrey, My Aja, Auntie Audrey, Auntie Auds, Mrs. Coolman, Momma Coolman, Mrs. C., and most recently, to her crown-jewel of delight, Grandma Auggie. My favourite nickname for her is Puppin, which is what she called my sister and I – her Trini accented version of “Poppet” (we like to believe, anyway).  She is genuinely one of the friendliest and most caring people who has ever lived.  And since her own kids haven’t blessed her with human grandchildren, she relishes very much in the babies her other kids have presented to her and opened up the world of Auntie Audrey (or Grandma Auggie) to a whole new generation. Someone recently joked and asked why I wasn`t jealous of all the attention my Mom had focussed on her “other” kids. But honestly, it’s never crossed my mind. My Mom has a lot of love to give and she has never made my sister or I feel less loved than all those other people she had in her life. 

My Mom was never a strong disciplinarian. She would try, but usually I would laugh and run away if she tried to swat me with a wooden spoon. She’d have to threaten to tell my Dad on me for me to behave so that I would take her seriously, and even then I didn’t always listen. To be fair, she’d often hug me up right after I’d done something wicked. And she always made time for me. When my sister came along, she made time for the both of us. (To note, I didn’t always feel like I had her attention so to make sure I did I would be mean to my sister to make sure she paid attention.) My Mom would make 2 or 3 different dinner meals to make sure we all had something we liked to eat instead of forcing to us to eat the food she made for her and my Dad. I mean, there is a ridiculousness to this, since I‘m sure I’d only make one meal, but she wanted to make sure my sister and I would eat. And that we were happy. (And yes, she even did this when she was working. She and my Dad shared dinner duties back then, but on her nights, we had a variety to choose from.) She always made time for me and my sister. No matter what she was doing, if she couldn’t coax us into doing it with her, she’d drop it and spend time with us and find time to go back for herself later. (I am sure it was stressful for her to juggle everyone’s needs but her own, but I was too young to see it then.) My Dad isn’t really a touchy-feely kind of person, but my Mom is so tactile. She was always cuddling me and my sister. Even when we were in our twenties she wouldn’t think twice to just jump into bed with us and rub us down with Vick’s if we weren’t feeling well and then rub our heads or stomachs before chatting or singing us to sleep. This isn’t strange for everyone (I have several Aunties who have done the same), but for many this is… foreign.  But my Mom spent a lot of time just loving the shit out of us. Life was not perfect, but I always knew I had my Mom in my corner and that she would do anything for me. There was never a time in my life where I doubted this, even in our most serious arguments. She was the light whenever I needed it. 

Her first stroke certainly changed her lifestyle, but she still had some independence. She could walk with a cane, she could bathe herself, she could still cook, and most importantly, she could still talk. She still made sure to call people and catch up with them – she could still keep those connections for herself.  While I worried about her, I was still around to make sure she was ok, and she only needed help with a few things. And she could still rub my back if I was having a bad day and needed to lay my head down on her lap to cry. 

Her second stroke caught me off guard. Physically, it meant a total loss of her independence. But the biggest adjustments were the loss of her speech and the effects on her memory. These have been the hardest parts to deal with. To clarify, they’ve been the hardest parts for me to deal with. I can only imagine what it’s been like for her. She has aphasia, which is honestly, an asshole. There are many effects from a stroke that are assholes, and aphasia is right up there. My beautiful, chatty Mom with her lovely singsong voice and infectious laughter who would never forget anyone’s birthday, especially mine, couldn’t tell me what day of the week it was, say my name, or physically blow out candles on her cake anymore.  My Mom who used to go meet ticket resellers during her lunch hour at some of the seedier addresses in Toronto so her daughters could get better seats to the New Kids on the Block concerts, wasn’t able to get out of bed on her own or tell me what her name was. These are life changes that are not easy to accept or adapt to. 

Well meaning people have told me how awful they feel for me, or how sorry they are for me that my life is so shitty, or that I’m too young to have to worry about all the things I worry about when I talk about my Mom. And I usually want to tell these well meaning people to fuck off. While their hearts are in the right place, it’s insensitive and also incorrect. It is a really hard and shitty thing to deal with, but so are a lot of things. And I don’t think my life is shitty. I know I am damned lucky. I have friends who have lost parents, or have had to be caregivers to their parents at a much younger age than I have had to be. I have an amazing group of people around me who have seen me and my family through some thoroughly fucked up times – but even when it feels like it’s been forever, I know it’s only temporary. (I am looking at you too, 2020.) For every single thing my Mom has done for and given to me during our lives together, I don’t see how it can be anyone but me (or my sister) helping my Dad to look after her. 

My Mom is alive. She knows who I am and while she isn’t exactly the same version of the one I grew up with (and she shouldn’t be, to be fair), there is a large part of that version still here. I can tell by how she smiles at me, by how she calls my name (or even if she calls me by her brother’s name), and most of all I can tell by the way she still hugs me and rubs my back when I’m having a bad day. Though it may not know it, the world is a much better place with Audrey Coolman in it. And I will do my best to be her light for as long as she needs it.   

Amanda C.

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  1. Valerie says:

    That is the most touching and realistic true life documentary of my sisters life today.
    She is truly one of the most remarkable. Women in my life
    I love her dearly , I miss our daily talks that we had for 40 plus years but I pray each day for her recovery

    • Amanda says:

      Auntie Val – I do too. And we both love you so much. Where would I be if I didn’t have you to hug me up when Mom was in hospital? I cannot wait to see you in person again. xoxo

  2. Laurrell Mohammed says:

    Well written and very heartfelt Amanda. It’s Mrs. Coolman to me and Auntie for short. Love her. Keep your light shining Amanda, we all see you.

  3. Amanda says:

    Laurrell – thank you. You and your family have been part of our biggest supporters and I love you guys. And Mrs. Coolman loves you so, so much. She is so proud of you, S and your kids. They make her smile every time she even hears their names. xoxo

  4. Carol says:

    Amanda, as you know I love your mom dearly. She is one of my most honest and sincere friends that ever crossed my path. Hats off to you for dedicating your life to your mom just like she did for you and your sister.
    Your family is and will always be part of our family.

    • Amanda says:

      Thank you Carol. We love you and are so blessed to have been taken into the fold of your loving family. xoxo

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Willowjak Blog 

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. We chat about themes that are often ignored and voices that aren't often given a chance at the mic. Now it's my favourite place to be. 

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