Dealing Hope, Mental Health

January 14, 2021

Putting Out…

I'm WillowjakMama!

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. Now it's my favourite place to be.

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So… are you putting out? Relax, NO…we are NOT talking about THAT kind of putting out. We are not that kind of website…

Yesterday was the first Wild Card game my beloved Bills have played in two-plus decades. To say that this win-or-go-home game carried some emotional weight is an understatement. As has been our Covid-norm, I spent the game texting back and forth with my oldest daughter in the US. It’s the closest we can get this year to watching a game together.

It was a close, tense game and late in the 4th quarter we were barely ahead. And I was so scared that the best and most potentially winning season we’ve ever had was about to end in a game that we didn’t play our best in, and it would be same-old, same-old disappointment end of season Bills let-down. I texted my angst to her, and this was the convo (cuss warning for the sensitive):

Boom, there it was…suddenly, was I responsible for the questionable play of my beloved team?! If they lost, was it on ME?! I am happy to report that in the next two minutes and twenty seconds of football time, I prayed a lot, I did try positive support, because like every football fan everywhere, I am superstitious as hell…and in the end my Bills won and are movin’ on up the NFL playoff ladder. Thank Christ, I didn’t want THAT shit on me. Bills Mafia are not to be trifled with.

But.. this little exchange really got me thinking about the idea of what we put out affecting what we get back….

So on the most basic level, this philosophy seems to indicate that we always get back what we put into the universe. I thought about this (well, more like obsessed about it like a dog with a bone).

On balance, I’d have to say, um…no, no, I don’t think so. I think we can all point to at least one occasion in our lives where this wasn’t true. I know it has been untrue in my life, many times… going in both directions.

So what about this idea then? Wisdom and enlightenment would dictate that no matter what, one should always put our best out there. Of course. But often, or I would hazard to say most of the time, there is NOT that one-to-one relationship between ‘what we put out there” and what we get back.

Damn, that’s a little discouraging… but… wait now, maybe a little EN-couraging, when you really think about it.

Humans, God love us, are not perfectly regulated. We feel fear as often as we love, we feel anger, bitterness, frustration, insecurity… you name it. A lot of that “negative Nancy” stuff. It is part of who we are, like it or not. And, we are not always as good at hiding these less than positive feelings we have and “putting out” a game face. I do know people who are better at it than most (my oldest above, is one of those). They are so full of faith, often tempered by overcoming incredible struggles, such that they are usually able to be consistent at putting out their best even in adversity. But me, and I am guessing lot of others… well, often when we doubt, we get overtaken by the what-ifs on the negative side and all the deep-seated crap it stirs up, and before we know it, it’s come up from the dark doubt-corner of our souls and out our mouths.

This could mean that we would be our own self-fulfilling prophesies…always getting that negative result we dread. But in my experience, that hasn’t always happened. Often, when I have been at my lowest, putting a lot of “Negative Nancy” out there…the universe instead has inexplicably sent me the shiny result that definitely is NOT the “expected result” of my fears and insecurities rising to the heavens. Hmmm.

And then there are the “Teflon people” in my life. You know the ones… the ones nothing sticks to. The ones who, as my mama would’ve said “could fall in shit and still come up smelling like a rose”. Those people, puttin’ all that nasty-ass shit out there with no fucks given… are they the ones that karma seems to have forgotten, can’t see, or gotten a damn payola from? How is that possible?? There should have been at least some minor smiting going on, involving their smoking carcasses, no?

Then there is the other wrinkle here, the possibility that we don’t get back what one would expect positive output to bring, because at the moment we are unfortunate enough to be in the cross-fire as collateral damage in someone else’s lesson (Thanks Heather, for that nugget). That is a whole ‘nother rabbit-hole for discussion….

But perhaps the final answer to all of this is that “divine justice” and “getting back what we put out” are both longer play progressions than we can see. I personally think this is the biggest reason that things don’t always go on the one-to-one track of getting back what you put out.

God, the Universe, Karma… they all have longer vision than we do in the stands, a more intricate and longer-to-play-out series on their sideline iPad. Over and over we read about God wanting us to lay our burdens with Him… our doubts, fears, moments where we can’t find our faith. I think the bottom line is how we package it. I think it’s OK to say that you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel that keeps faith strong, but to keep asking God to show it to you. I think it’s OK to say that you are afraid and doubting your efforts won’t be enough to achieve your desired results, but to ask for help getting you there from the universe. That it is OK to say that someone has hurt you deeply, and you’d like for them to have to learn from this, (but not to ask for someone to set their car, or their weave, on fire). You get the picture. It is OK to say “I want to believe, but I am struggling to find the light right now”.  I believe that in the end, in spite of what we might say right now, that the universe and God see what is truly in our hearts, what our SOUL is putting out, and gives to us accordingly.

So my dear daughter, thanks for the reminder. Yes, you are right. And I will do my best to put positivity out there every chance I get… and when I have to let the dark thoughts out, I will try to get them out there in a hopeful way. Even in the 4th with the ball on our own 20.

And get what I give.

“But when the night is falling

You cannot find the light (light)

You feel your dreams are dying

Hold tight

You’ve got the music in you

Don’t let go

You’ve got the music in you

One dance left

This world is gonna pull through

Don’t give up

You’ve got a reason to live

Can’t forget

We only get what we give”

“Get What You Give”, The New Radicals

Deb P.

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Hi, I'm Stacey.
Welcome to the
Willowjak Blog 

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. We chat about themes that are often ignored and voices that aren't often given a chance at the mic. Now it's my favourite place to be. 

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