… the bragger and feeding my ego

Conscience vs Ego! Pick a side!

When I volunteered back in 2012 with a youth basketball league I would hear the head coach give the character leadership talks before every game:

“Be careful about what you wish upon others, the universe has a funny way of working out!”
“When you wish good upon others, it will come back to you. When you wish bad upon someone, it will come back to you.”

I would hear my mom’s voice run through my head, and when the words would come out of my mouth I would hear the soundtrack but would just dismiss it. I’m on top of the world, I’m the fittest that I’ve ever been and I’m getting recognized for it. I’d look at the bigger people and not want to be associated with them so I thought I was better than them.

Flashback to college, working so hard for top honours and being the top of my class. Never missing a single class or a tutorial, and also posting my grades on social media to show off my accomplishments. I look back at my posts when they come on my memory feed on Facebook and cringe with embarrassment and shame. “Did I REALLY have to go THAT FAR with my grades? Did I really need to make THAT POST?! Did I REALLY just say that?! Was it necessary for me to brag about every test I where I got an A+ only I remembered being that person who would comment on something wrong in a lecture or who would judge others for bring unmotivated or not getting good grades. Every time a professor or a learning facilitator would stop me, I would hear my mom’s voice and the same speech play back in my head. I always thought about what would my mom think or feel if she heard what came out of my mouth during classes or tutorials?

After words were said, I’d feel good in the moment until I either got called out on it OR when moments later I’d feel horrible and want to apologize profusely. 

I regret to say that I was that person who fed my ego instead of my conscience.

Back in 2019, I was finally able to wear a monokini on my trip to Punta Cana. It was the first time I felt confident in a bathing suit, with my body type being able to pull off the look, when my size medium turned into a size small. I remember seeing the bigger girls wearing bikinis and I would make comments like “MAN THE HARPOONS!” & other snarky comments to my friends. I even remember texting my uncle and my trainer about all the “fat” people during my vacation just looking forward to being back at my home gym again. When I told this to my mom, I would hear the same speech from her all over again.

Any man that crossed my path would instantly get my snarky comments and I’d call them out. Deep down, the truth was that I was scared of being hurt again and I had someone whom I truly loved. I thought I had it all, I was on top of the world.

If my cousins would bring a boyfriend or girlfriend to a family function, I would hate on them and get very snarky to them. I secretly wished things would have trigger warning labels on them and I would wish the lowest and the most ill things on people that shouldn’t even be wished on my worst enemy or the world’s most hated person. I would say it out loud, I would say it through text, and this wasn’t just to family but to others and I am ashamed of it. Again, like a broken record I would hear that same speech all over again. I would feel guilty, especially if it hurt someone. I would just tell myself that nothing bad will happen to me and I was only wishing things on people that could never happen to me at all. 

Fast forward to 2020: gyms shut down, the whole world shut down, we began the pandemic. And my life, well changed. I was lost without my gym, even though I was able to do home workouts, they were getting me irritated because of the lack of challenge. My job, well it was gone and now I had to start back over and be on-call after years of being there. And the person who I was seeing, well I meant nothing to him and he ghosted me for someone else. Mentally, my mental health was starting to go down.

Even though I tried to keep it together, I felt empty and lost.

May 24 weekend of 2021, “YOU ARE STILL A FAT GIRL WHO -!” Waking up to those words after being self conscious about my weight from the pandemic as well as gyms being closed. The whole morning, those words ate at me. After I completed my struggle of a 10km slow run I felt proud that I completed it despite the struggle. As I stopped to take a picture I suddenly heard a man yell out “WHY DON’T YOU KEEP RUNNING HOME YOU UGLY B****!” right in front of his two small children. The words stung, I felt my face going red, I felt like my heart ripped out and my stomach dropped at the same time. I wanted to cry at that moment but just couldn’t force it.
Suddenly I was the one who got fat shamed. I was the girl that got shamed for my looks. Well, this is something that I always got shamed for but I didn’t think it was going to come back after my transformation.

My mom was right, when you wish bad upon others then bad things will happen to you. When you are kind and you wish well on others then good things will happen to you.

Now I’ve learned not to let the victories get to my head. I have learned how to be humble without over the top bragging. I had to learn to celebrate other’s accomplishments too so the light can be shared. I learned that even a certain body type doesn’t fix an ugly personality. I learned that it’s easy to let success get to your head, no matter how hard it is STAY HUMBLE AND HAVE GOOD POSITIVE CHARACTER. I learned that it’s okay to be proud, but you don’t have to make others feel bad or be better than everyone.

To the people who I have hurt, I deeply apologize and regret being that person. I hope you can forgive me.