Dealing Hope, Mental Health

May 24, 2021

Finding My Wifi home

I'm WillowjakMama!

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. Now it's my favourite place to be.

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Faith is like WiFi.

Occasionally the internet drops out here in Prince Edward County, for no reason other than the wind is blowing in the wrong direction or the cloud cover is too thick. (Although, I personally I think it’s the two teenage boys next door sucking up bandwidth like those paper towel dudes in the Bounty commercial ‘til the internet well just goes dry…). When this happens, there is at first that momentary panic of “OMG-OMG-OMG-the-world-is-ending”, then the annoyance of losing unsaved work, impatience waiting for it to come back, and then finally the resignation that “it is what it is” and there will be no Netflix tonight, just books. But it always comes back. But I still end up feeling like this for a while:

Why does this happen, this mental panic over the short term (most of the time) loss, of something that just twenty or so years ago, we didn’t even have to lament the lack of? It’s because it connects us to something bigger, to the wide world out there; to family, friends, our work, entertainment, all of it. And in the absence of it, we feel the panic of isolation, of a little hopelessness, a bit rudderless.

I have struggled lately with all those things, but I realize now that this isn’t about my often inconsistent 5G service in Cherry Valley. It’s about my inconsistent 5G connection with something greater than me, in my soul. It’s about me and faith. Or more precisely, my lapses in it. I work myself into place of impatience, where it feels like I’m done, I want it now or forget it (whatever it is) and this whole “having faith” thing seems like some hollow promise from a corrupt TV preacher.

Recently, one of the many apps on my phone that reminds me several times a day how not to lose my shit, came up with this:

“Faith is like Wifi,

it’s invisible,

But it has the power to

Connect you to what you need”

And there it was.

Anyone who has read any of my posts knows how often I struggle with hopelessness, worry, hypervigilance and the need to work out what’s going to happen before it does, you know, so I am “prepared”. The last few years of my life have challenged me hard to come to terms with all that, and find a better, more peaceful way of living in faith and acceptance. I have addressed the issue of faith often in my heart; both the overarching concept of faith in a higher power, as well as the simpler faith in small things to eventually come my way if I persist, have a little patience, and not let fear shove faith in the closet.

I realize now that the times in my life when I have felt the most disconnected, the most without hope, the most unsure of where to even place my next footstep… are the times when I have let my faith go. When I have stopped believing. Believing in the (seemingly) impossible actually being possible; the deep desires, love, security, connection, all of it. Without faith, there is a huge void where fear seeps in like water into a cracked foundation. And I probably know better than anyone what happens when the Big F is driving the bus. Confusion. Missteps. A closing of my heart. Panic. As quickly as a moment, and I suddenly begin to question the need to even go on, because, well, what is there to go on FOR? Without faith, there can be no hope. Without hope, there can be no desire to set goals and move towards them. Without desire, there is no drive to LIVE our lives, instead of just existing in them.

However, I need to say that I do realize that life can be lived very well without WiFi. Many millions of people do it every day, and their lives lack for little in fulfillment.

Unlike WiFi, however, life is very challenging to live without faith. Whether it is your faith in a higher power to guide your purpose, or simply faith in yourself to manifest the life that you want to live; faith is the common element that brings about the hope that things will eventually come around if we are true to our principles and ask for divine guidance in all we do.It gives us the drive we need to get up every day with a grateful heart that we are on our path and just need to keep going. That we are not alone and somewhere there is benevolence looking after us. That love may be eluding us right at the moment, or contentment, or security; but that if we keep going and keep reminding ourselves of the whys and principles that guide all our actions, have FAITH in the triumph of these things if we persist in them, that the goals will be reached.

So the next time I feel untethered from my life, and start down the path of getting behind the wrong F, I will remember to do the seemingly silly and fruitless, and chose faith. Where I know He sits, always patiently waiting for the signal to return from me, that I invite Him back into my life to hold my hand, guide me along and push fear out of the way when I am too weak to do it myself.

Deb P.

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Hi, I'm Stacey.
Welcome to the
Willowjak Blog 

My blog started as a way to document my journey to wellness, but turned into a place to be inspired by others through our collective messy & authentic stories. We chat about themes that are often ignored and voices that aren't often given a chance at the mic. Now it's my favourite place to be. 

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